A lot of people use the words “sad” and “depressed” interchangeability. We all have moments where we’re sad. And we all have bad days.
But it’s only when you live with depression that you understand it isn’t just the simple emotion of “being sad.” It’s a state of being. It comes into your life unwelcomed, like a shitstorm destroying everything in its path.
It’s a cloud that hovers over you.
Even if it goes away and you’re experiencing a fleeting moment of happiness, you know how quickly it can change.
It’s being in a situation, in which you should be happy, but you aren’t. You’re utterly depressed and you feel a sense of guilt for these things you can’t control.
No one chooses this.
It isn’t as simple as, “be happy.” Because you want to be. You want more than anything to just be like everyone else. You want your smile to be genuine and real. You want your laugh to reflect that you are happy and not faking it.
But often times depression is the strongest person in the room.
Depression is knowing this darkness that no one else does. When you’re crying yourself to sleep at night, and unable to get out of bed when you wake up the next morning because all you want to do is lay there and stare at the ceiling.
You make sure to get all dressed up so you look nice because when you hide your depression, it’s all about the art of deception. That’s why it nearly kills you putting on a made up face with the biggest smile you can fake.
Depression means you rather be hard at work because it’s better to be busy than allow these emotions to consume you, so you become the overachiever.
You become everyone’s favorite person to be around because you know what it’s like to be in the dark so you shine the light on everyone around you. This means your depression actually helps you become the friend everyone trusts and confides in because while you can’t make yourself happy, you can make other people happy.
It means telling the best jokes so you can bring joy to others. It’s that which gives you hope.
It’s the happiness you bring to others that you hold onto.
Depression leads to canceled plans with bullshit excuses because you just can’t handle being around other people. Or it means feeling complete alone at a huge party.
And you can’t reach out to anyone because no one deserves to be brought into this place. This unknown place that you can’t describe because you don’t really know what “it” actually is. You just know you’re different, but you don’t quite understand why.
Having depression gives you a unique ability to understand things and have compassion in a way others don’t.
You have keen observation skills. You notice body language and a shift in tone. You notice a raised eyebrow and an eye roll. You see worry people hide. You see insecurities. You see everything because you know what it’s like to hide things from the world.
You hang on to the few things and people that always bring you out of it. Depression means saying you’re fine but being anything but because you wait to fall down into a pit of sadness in private.
No one knows about this battle you wake up and fight every day. And it’s not because you hide it so well, it’s because having depression means getting up the next day and trying again.
Because despite how dark this place is that you’re living in, you are still choosing to embrace the light.
Depression, in itself, is often the strongest person in the room because choosing to be happy, or at least trying to be happy, is the greatest accomplishment you can achieve when you have depression.